i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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