I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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