You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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