I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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