i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
