can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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