Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I deserve this hangover.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
