sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize