some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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