My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
