he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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