Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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