She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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