One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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