I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
