Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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