Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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