can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
