I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
