So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
