My hand turned me down
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
