woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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