Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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