Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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