Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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