Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
