her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
