No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
