To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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