I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
