I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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