saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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