I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
