I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
