the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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