I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
it's great music for shaving your balls
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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