there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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