i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
