i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
