does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
