Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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