somebody snuck up and got me drunk
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
