Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i think i have herpe
just one?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
