You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
