Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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