I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
