turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
