i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
