She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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