I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
