I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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