she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
