i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
