The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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