That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
