Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
