roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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