my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
