Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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