I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
