Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
