I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
