Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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