i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize