News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
