My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
