The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
