I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
