New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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