We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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