FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
